When I was in high school, I played soccer for my high school teams. Several times throughout my seasons I would get hit in the head and diagnosed with a “minor” concussion. Sometimes I would just feel a little dizzy after getting hit and just keep practicing. Other times my vision would get a little blurry when I got back up, but I would still keep practicing. When I was in 10th grade, I slid into a goal post at the end of one of our games to save a goal. I didn’t get back up immediately because I hit my head on the post. I blacked out for a minute. My coach came over to check on me and told me I wasn’t allowed to practice the next day.
I sat on the side lines at practice the next day so anxious to get back in. I would still get a little dizzy and had a headache, but I hated being injured. I felt useless. My coach told me I could practice again the next day if I passed a concussion screening. I knew what questions would be asked, so I lied when they asked if I still felt any effect from the hit and answered the rest of their questions.
Fast forward to college my sophomore year, I’m playing flag football. I get upended and smack the back my head into the ground. I have a killer headache for a few days and get dizzy/nauseous when driving. Go to the doctor. Another concussion. This time the doctor says no more contact sports.
4 years later, I’m playing pick up soccer, and I catch a ball to the head. I can’t really see straight afterwards, and I’m a little dizzy. I decide to play the whole game anyway. By the end of the game, I can’t really walk straight let alone drive. I go to the doctor and am diagnosed with a grade 2 concussion. I can’t drive for 2 weeks. I sleep in bed with a friend, so she can wake me up every few hours to make sure I’m not comatose. I can’t concentrate or remember hardly anything. I had a constant headache. The symptoms didn’t complete subside for a long time. I wish I could say that was the last time I played contact sports, but it wasn’t.
I share those stories to point out 3 things. 1) I can be incredibly dumb. 2) I am beyond stubborn. 3) I like to pretend that I’m not hurting because I hate the feeling of being useless.
I do this not only with my physical health, but also with my mental and spiritual health. I always want to rush through the healing and just be healed. I just decide that I have to be better now even if my mind, body, or spirit doesn’t agree. I am incredibly prideful and woefully insecure to the point of foolishness often times.
When I first moved to Alabama, the adjustment was really hard for me. I was doing the Lord’s work as a missionary , so I felt like I needed to be busy and somehow be joyful too. I was allowed to miss home but only until this date. When that date came, I hadn’t rested in two months, I still missed home, and I was incredibly lonely despite spending every waking moment with people. I recognized this as an issue but just thought I could power through and tough it out. I didn’t want to feel useless or worthless.
The dynamic of my relationship with the Lord had switched from Father and daughter to King and courier. A daughter shares what she learns from her father because she loves, respect, and admires both her father and the people that she’s sharing it with. A courier relays the messages of the king because it her job and because the kingdoms needs the message. Both receive wisdom and truth from the father/king, but only the daughter embeds that truth in her heart.
The daughter spends time with her father because she feels safe with him and wants to build her relationship with him. The father delights in the daughter.
The courier spends time with the king to gather information to give to the people. The courier wants to correctly relay the words of the king but cares little of the heart of the king. The courier knows that she is disposable to the king.
I felt useless if I wasn’t working myself to the point of ruining my physical, mental, and emotional health. I felt as if I could be replaced or disposed of at anytime. Nobody at Alabama made me feel this way. It was all in my skewed perception of who I was and who God was.
I thought I could fake it until this obviously wrong perspective fixed itself. I was wrong. This mindset bled into everything I was doing and every one of my relationships.
But I couldn’t bring myself to be honest about it with others. Instead, I would get hurt over imagined offenses. The guys in staff being excited about another girl coming onto staff suddenly meant that I wasn’t good enough and that I was being replaced. It was ridiculous! I felt inadequate and insecure because a guy was excited that his fiancé was coming on staff when they got married.
I knew it was stupid, so I didn’t want to be open about it. I was embarrassed that I felt this way. Instead, I isolated myself. I would check out mentally in staff meeting and show up to service like it was work and not worship.
Do not forsake the fellowship of believers as some are in the habit of doing… -Hebrews 10:25
I showed up, but I definitely wasn’t in the fellowship of the believers.
I would share what was going on in my life only when pressed and, even though I was being crushed by my life, I would share what was actually going on. I would only share what I was feeling not the issue behind what I was feeling.
Bear one another’s burdens and so fulfill the law of Christ. -Galatians 6:2
I wouldn’t let them bear my burdens, and I was so worn down and tired that I wouldn’t bear theirs either. I didn’t love well at all.
I felt lonely and that no one would understand, so I isolated myself. The isolation made me feel even more lonely. Then I started comparing my life to everyone around me. They all seem to have good lives and have it together. I got bitter that I didn’t have that.
Do not conform to the pattern of this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mindThen you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is –his good, pleasing and perfect will. -Romans 12:2
Strive for peace with everyone, and for the holiness without which no one will see the Lord. See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no “root of bitterness” springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled; -Hebrews 12:14-15
My bitterness would come to cause many to stumble. The girls I was leading were greatly affected by the bitterness I let grow in my heart. It wasn’t even justified bitterness. I was bitter that the people on my staff team couldn’t read my mind and just know what help I needed from them.
The realization of all of these things and so many more began the healing in my life. It came too late to save my career as a staff team member at Alabama but not too late to save my soul from a unfulfilled life.
I knew Scripture well. I knew hermeneutics, theology, in depth word study, and cultural context. I could speak eloquently on it and say the right things to challenge and shift perspectives. And yes, I even loved lots of people as well as I could. But I wasn’t living the truth I spoke. I was really living a life marked by love.
Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. – 1 Corinthians 13:4-7
Beauty of the Valley 