Crucifix

So this, this is how it ends

With you up there with those two

And where am I?

I’m back here staring in disbelief

Out of sight where I take no risk

 

I told you I would follow

But I never expected this

We were going to change the world

Surely this can’t be your plan

But you’ve never really done what was expected

 

Like the time we told you to send them home

And you asked for the boy’s lunch instead

We were amazed as the food never ran out

And here some of those same people mock you

No one was mocking when they were filling their bellies

 

You healed their sick families

They repay you now with taunting

Their chorus of praise became chants of scorn

I don’t understand how they turn so quick

And yet I realize I am the same

 

I swore my allegiance to you

I proclaimed you to be the Christ when no one else saw it

I said if everyone else left,  I would stay

I was ready to fight for your kingdom

But I never expected this

 

They came for you, and I fought

They came for me, and I ran

I followed close because I believed in you

I wanted to prove I could hold fast

But when asked if I knew you, I lied

 

So I left you, rejected and alone

I hear the mockers cry and ask the same

Why don’t you get yourself off?

Surely you have the power

Or is the thing that is too much?

 

Surely this is not the end

It simply cannot be

Where is the revolution?

Where is the new kingdom?

Surely the king does not reign from the cross

 

Yet my king is on that cross

I’ve always dreamed of your coronation

And now I witness your crucifixion

It seems the only crown you’ll ever wear is one of thorns

There was no miracle this time

 

The king is dead

They have crucified my Lord

My Thoughts vs My Feelings part 4

Healing is a strange thing. It takes time. It takes effort. For all that time and effort put in, it’s still a continual process. Trauma takes a while to heal from and won’t go away on its own. It’s a rehabilitation process.

At the beginning of October, I started therapy. I was getting anxious a lot and kept reliving the experience of getting asked to leave Alabama. My health insurance covered it completely, so I decided to give it a shot. I had sought the counsel of mentors and friends, so why not see a professional.

I got diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder. Surprisingly, I felt relieved not because I wanted to have a diagnosis but because it made me feel less crazy for being so affected by my experience in Alabama. Let me clarify, it was brought on by but not caused by the Alabama experience. The cause is more likely culmination of several traumatic events that happened when I was younger.

The diagnosis does not give me an identity but a framework to process things through. I’m not going to live in this diagnosis. I’m going to use it as a framework to process and heal through. I’m a firm believer that one day I won’t have PTSD. One day they will do the screening on me, and it will be completely normal.

Therapy also gives me space to process Chi Alpha through a filter that isn’t biased towards Chi Alpha. I still love Chi Alpha and completely support it. I just need to be able to re-establish my relationship with Lord outside of the context of Chi Alpha. I had intertwined the two so much so that I really thought the Lord was done with me when I was done with Chi Alpha. That perspective has been corrected.

I’ve learned to take care of myself better. Not in a “put myself first kind “of way but in a “you’re part of the kingdom too” way. Even Jesus took time for himself in the garden. I am learning to follow that example. I can be a good friend, a hard worker, and a devoted follower of Jesus without constantly destroying myself.

I’ve learned that sometimes you have to step away for a bit. I needed to remove myself from things that were constantly making me feel guilty even after I had apologized and repented. Constant guilt is not healthy. Constantly being reminded of my short comings in ministry just by being in the ministry prevented me from extending forgiveness not only to myself but to those in ministry who had hurt me. I have forgiven and am healing. I can step back into some things now, but others I’m not quite to the place where it would be healthy to do so.

I think it’s biblical to periodically remove yourself for a little bit to recover and refocus. The prophets sought God in solitude for some time. Jesus did too. I’m not talking isolation. I’m talking about learning how to have healthy time alone.

I’ve learned that loneliness is a lot more serious of a problem than I ever gave it credit for. It’s often the perfect environment for lies to take root.

And I have learned to ask for what I need. If I know what I need, I should ask for it. It may seem forward or out of place, but it’s better than just telling someone how I feel and expecting them to figure out what they are supposed to do. I no longer tell my best friend I’m lonely; instead, I tell that I need to spend time with her soon. Such a small thing that makes such a big difference.

I’ve learned to own up to my mistakes. I cannot tell you the number of things I have mishandled in ministry. Regardless of how I was feeling, my actions were still wrong. I’m only accountable for my own actions, and just because something is understandable it doesn’t make it okay. It’s understandable that I got frustrated and acted out of frustration against a friend , but it’s not actually okay that acted. Someone else’s actions should not dictate mine. Respond don’t react.

And this one is a no brainer, but it’s still taking some relearning. There is life outside of vocational ministry. I have had amazing adventures, met awesome, and had wonderful ministry opportunities while not being in vocational ministry. I loved my time at Success and getting to go overseas with them. I love my job at the hospital and getting to be the hands and feet of Jesus to people every day. I’m excited for nursing school,and the opportunity to help people. Thank you Jesus for your mercy and grace!

My thoughts and my feelings are no longer in constant conflicting. I’m healing and growing and moving forward. One step at a time. God hasn’t given up on me and still loves me in spite of everything.

I guess He is still making new wine out of me…

My Thoughts vs My Feelings part 3

The number one thing that killed my time in Alabama was believing that I was disposable, not only to my team but to the Lord.

Believing that lie made me live in constant fear and made it incredibly hard for me to trust people. I never wanted to get too close because I believed I would always be leaving. I took it upon myself to try and prove my worth. I did as much of the administrative work as possible. I’m a hard worker by nature, but I was trying to prove that I was worthy of being there because I never really felt like I was. It wasn’t anything that anybody did. I just believed I was a courier for the Lord and not a daughter.

Friends, let me tell you this if you believe the lie that you are unworthy or disposable, you will not be able to love people fully because you won’t understand what love actually means. Someone who is loved is not disposable. Believing that you are loved is so fundamental to your faith. It’s amazing that as a pastor and a missionary I somehow managed to forget that Jesus loves me.

This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers and sisters. -1 John 3:16

But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. – Romans 5:8

But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ— by grace you have been saved.  -Ephesians 2: 4-5

See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! – 1 John 3:1

In May, I moved from Conway to Little Rock because I was working in Little Rock. Oddly enough, it took me moving away from the people who love me and support me to realize how much they love me and that God still loves me even when I’m not in full time missions. It’s been a very surreal thing for me. It seems silly to some people because how can you forget that Jesus loves you?

It’s pretty easy if you let Satan in your head for a bit. I was lonely and didn’t have people who knew me well consistently close by asking how my relationship with the Lord was going and calling my bluff if I gave vague answers. Satan looked for just the right lie to whisper into my head. He found two that took root and let bitterness grow.

The first lie is that I was disposable. The second was that committing my life to campus ministry meant that I would forever be attending weddings but never have a family of my own. That has been a dream of mine for as long as I can remember. I have many times told the Lord that if that is not His will, then I will trust Him with it. And I could still not end up having a family of my own, but it will not be because of campus ministry. That was the lie. It made me bitter against my calling. I went from being fulfilled and loving what I did to not wanting to get out of bed because it drained the life out of me. Two simple lies that ruined my life. They had one common message: you are not and will never be loved.

Those two lies infected every area of my life, and it took a solo hike on a mountain to realize that those were lies I was believing. And it took several months of learning to trust God again to realize that they are actually lies and not harsh truths. I regret many decisions I made while believing those lies, but I’m learning to live with grace. Love and grace go hand in hand.

The messy wrestling through this stuff has been hard but worth it. I had known that I had made decisions and had hurt people. I just didn’t understand why. I would have rather just “moved on” with my life than moved through this mess, but I would have missed so much.

And this is where the healing starts…

My Thoughts vs My Feelings part 2

When I was in high school, I played soccer for my high school teams. Several times throughout my seasons I would get hit in the head and diagnosed with a “minor” concussion. Sometimes I would just feel a little dizzy after getting hit and just keep practicing. Other times my vision would get a little blurry when I got back up, but I would still keep practicing. When I was in 10th grade, I slid into a goal post at the end of one of our games to save a goal. I didn’t get back up immediately because I hit my head on the post. I blacked out for a minute. My coach came over to check on me and told me I wasn’t allowed to practice the next day.

I sat on the side lines at practice the next day so anxious to get back in. I would still get a little dizzy and had a headache, but I hated being injured. I felt useless. My coach told me I could practice again the next day if I passed a concussion screening. I knew what questions would be asked, so I lied when they asked if I still felt any effect from the hit and answered the rest of their questions.

Fast forward to college my sophomore year, I’m playing flag football. I get upended and smack the back my head into the ground. I have a killer headache for a few days and get dizzy/nauseous when driving. Go to the doctor. Another concussion. This time the doctor says no more contact sports.

4 years later, I’m playing pick up soccer, and I catch a ball to the head. I can’t really see straight afterwards, and I’m a little dizzy. I decide to play the whole game anyway. By the end of the game, I can’t really walk straight let alone drive. I go to the doctor and am diagnosed with a grade 2 concussion. I can’t drive for 2 weeks. I sleep in bed with a friend, so she can wake me up every few hours to make sure I’m not comatose. I can’t concentrate or remember hardly anything. I had a constant headache. The symptoms didn’t complete subside for a long time. I wish I could say that was the last time I played contact sports, but it wasn’t.

I share those stories to point out 3 things. 1) I can be incredibly dumb. 2) I am beyond stubborn. 3) I like to pretend that I’m not hurting because I hate the feeling of being useless.

I do this not only with my physical health, but also with my mental and spiritual health. I always want to rush through the healing and just be healed. I just decide that I have to be better now even if my mind, body, or spirit doesn’t agree. I am incredibly prideful and woefully insecure to the point of foolishness often times.

When I first moved to Alabama, the adjustment was really hard for me. I was doing the Lord’s work as a missionary , so I felt like I needed to be busy and somehow be joyful too. I was allowed to miss home but only until this date. When that date came, I hadn’t rested in two months, I still missed home, and I was incredibly lonely despite spending every waking moment with people. I recognized this as an issue but just thought I could power through and tough it out. I didn’t want to feel useless or worthless.

The dynamic of my relationship with the Lord had switched from Father and daughter to King and courier. A daughter shares what she learns from her father because she loves, respect, and admires both her father and the people that she’s sharing it with. A courier relays the messages of the king because it her job and because the kingdoms needs the message. Both receive wisdom and truth from the father/king, but only the daughter embeds that truth in her heart.

The daughter spends time with her father because she feels safe with him and wants to build her relationship with him. The father delights in the daughter.

The courier spends time with the king to gather information to give to the people. The courier wants to correctly relay the words of the king but cares little of the heart of the king. The courier knows that she is disposable to the king.

I felt useless if I wasn’t working myself to the point of ruining my physical, mental, and emotional health. I felt as if I could be replaced or disposed of at anytime. Nobody at Alabama made me feel this way. It was all in my skewed perception of who I was and who God was.

I thought I could fake it until this obviously wrong perspective fixed itself. I was wrong. This mindset bled into everything I was doing and every one of my relationships.

But I couldn’t bring myself to be honest about it with others. Instead, I would get hurt over imagined offenses. The guys in staff being excited about another girl coming onto staff suddenly meant that I wasn’t good enough and that I was being replaced. It was ridiculous! I felt inadequate and insecure because a guy was excited that his fiancé was coming on staff when they got married.

I knew it was stupid, so I didn’t want to be open about it. I was embarrassed that I felt this way. Instead, I isolated myself. I would check out mentally in staff meeting and show up to service like it was work and not worship.

Do not forsake the fellowship of believers as some are in the habit of doing… -Hebrews 10:25

I showed up, but I definitely wasn’t in the fellowship of the believers.

I would share what was going on in my life only when pressed and, even though I was being crushed by my life, I would share what was actually going on. I would only share what I was feeling not the issue behind what I was feeling.

Bear one another’s burdens and so fulfill the law of Christ. -Galatians 6:2

I wouldn’t let them bear my burdens, and I was so worn down and tired that I wouldn’t bear theirs either. I didn’t love well at all.

I felt lonely and that no one would understand, so I isolated myself. The isolation made me feel even more lonely. Then I started comparing my life to everyone around me. They all seem to have good lives and have it together. I got bitter that I didn’t have that.

Do not conform to the pattern of this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mindThen you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is –his good, pleasing and perfect will. -Romans 12:2

Strive for peace with everyone, and for the holiness without which no one will see the Lord. See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no “root of bitterness” springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled; -Hebrews 12:14-15

My bitterness would come to cause many to stumble. The girls I was leading were greatly affected by the bitterness I let grow in my heart. It wasn’t even justified bitterness. I was bitter that the people on my staff team couldn’t read my mind and just know what help I needed from them.

The realization of all of these things and so many more began the healing in my life. It came too late to save my career as a staff team member at Alabama but not too late to save my soul from a unfulfilled life.

I knew Scripture well. I knew hermeneutics, theology, in depth word study, and cultural context. I could speak eloquently on it and say the right things to challenge and shift perspectives. And yes, I even loved lots of people as well as I could. But I wasn’t living the truth I spoke. I was really living a life marked by love.

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. – 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Thankfully that isn’t where this story ends…

My Thoughts vs. My Feelings part 1

It’s been about 9 months since I last wrote something that I shared with the world. Honestly, it’s been about 9 months since I wrote anything of any importance outside of a prayer journal. I’d love to say that it’s just because I’ve been so busy, but the truth is I’ve just been bone dry for months.

Last October the consequence of choices I made and circumstances that were less than ideal landed me out of ministry and back in Arkansas. I desperately wanted to rush through the healing process and get to the healed part. I thought I would document some of my journey “to give others hope” and “be transparent in the process”, but the reality is I felt internal pressure to have the healing process be quick and felt that documenting some of it via social media would expedite the process and possibly encourage others.

All it really did was make me feel like I should be better when I wasn’t, so I thought I’d try to fake until I made it. After months of trying to fake it and failing to make it, I admitted to myself that I was still incredibly broken and hurt from the fall out. The Lord was teaching me things, but I couldn’t grab hold of those good things while holding on to my hurt and anger and bitterness. Taking the good healing things God was giving me meant releasing my pain and frustration, and many, many times I chose to keep holding on to those things rather than let the healing take place.

For a while, when God would show me something I would want to share it with everyone. I knew in my head truth when I heard it or read it. I would start to type out the wisdom and revelation I had received. To me it didn’t matter that I didn’t internalize that truth. My feelings and the reality I was living in didn’t line up with that truth, but I just knew that everyone needed to know. The trouble was that this acrid taste would come in my mouth, and I would be filled with bitterness and anger as I typed.

As it turns out, when my thoughts and my feelings are in conflict, I’m a pretty terrible writer. I prayed and decided that I wouldn’t write again until I was actually getting to a place of healing. A long time ago, I learned how powerful words can be and decided to use them wisely, hopefully, and beneficially.

Brene Brown is one of my all time favorite writers/speakers. She does research on vulnerability, courage, and shame. She refers to the process of rising strong after falling as a 3 step process. Step 1 is the Reckoning or the recognition of what happened and what you are feeling. Step 2 is the Rumble where it gets messy and where the path to healing begins.

The Rumble is where you wrestle with the heartache and the hurt, where you are honest with yourself about the situation, and where you challenge your understanding the situation and yourself. It’s the movement from reacting to responding and learning.Everyone wants to skip the Rumble because it hurts, and it’s hard. But without the Rumble, there is no Revolution (step 3).

I assure you. I tried my hardest to skip the Rumble or at least fast forward through it. But God, in His infinite love and wisdom, would not let me. I fought it, but I am so thankful that He is relentless in loving us through tough situations. I am learning and healing. I don’t know that I am through the Rumble, but I am definitely farther through it than I was a few months ago.

I’m sure you noticed the Part 1 in the title. I can assure you there will be a part 2 and possibly a part 3 in which I actually dive into the healing process and share some of the wisdom imparted to me.

You Make Me Brave

If you have known me for any period of time you know that “You Make Me Brave” is a song that I would prefer to hear maybe never again. However, that song has been in my heart lately. It’s been stuck in my head, and I’ve really had a chance to dwell on that thought.

If you know me, you also know I’m not a “word of the year” person. At least I’m not usually. However, the Lord has been speaking to me a lot about one thing, so as it much as it pains me to say it, I believe that 2018 has a theme for me. When the Lord is speaking to you about one thing, you should probably listen regardless of how cliche you think it is. So here’s to embracing a cliche word of the year!

The word of year is… Brave.

My last year has been incredibly difficult. I’ve had a lot of things go way differently than expected. I’ve messed up a lot. Things have crumbled around me. As a result, I have become very fearful. I wanted to avoid disappointment, so I stopped trying. I had lost hope.

I’ve always had this idea that bravery is running into burning buildings and parachuting into jungles. Those things certainly have elements of being brave, but I don’t think that’s the all encompassing definition of bravery. Bravery doesn’t have to be doing reckless and dangerous things without regard for your safety.

Choosing to trust one more time when everyone else has run out on you is brave.

Opening up to be loved when your heart has been broken is brave.

Choosing to believe that you are more than what has happened to you is brave.

Loving without holding back even when you might get hurt is brave.

Moving to a new city and trusting that God will show you the next step is brave.

Trying again after experiencing failure is brave.

Hope is brave. You cannot be brave without hope. Hope is choosing to believe even when you cannot see the future and when the past tells you it won’t work. It is brave to hope for something good to come when you have experienced so much loss and failure.

You cannot be bitter and have hope. One definition of hope is the joyful and confident expectation of good. Bitterness destroys that confident joy. Bravery and bitterness cannot exist. Because bravery is dependent on hope and hope is the antagonist of bitterness, it is impossible to be brave and bitter at the same time. You can be reckless and bitter, but you cannot be brave and bitter.

The Word says that we do not mourn as those without hope (1 Thessalonians 4:13, paraphrase). I believe that speaks of not only rising from despair but also to abstaining from bitterness. Bitterness blinds us to the truth. For several weeks, I was bitter about all that happened. I had no hope that anything good would ever come. As a result, I began to believe lies about who I am and about who God is.

“Perhaps that is in part what can make questioning so painful. For the faithful Christ follower, self-concept is inextricably connected to God concept. We are valuable because God is Creator. We are forgiven because God is Redeemer. If God is not who we thought He was, then who are we?” -Alicia Chole

Hope is believing that God is who He says He is. It is trusting His character even when circumstances try to convince you otherwise.Hope is believing the Jesus is more real and more true than anything this world can bring.

Hope is brave. It is brave to believe that we are still in care of the Father in the midst of hard times. I believe that Jesus has the most incredible plan for me. I’m going to choose to trust Him rather than manipulate my own plan. Jesus is my hope. With Jesus, I am made brave. Without Jesus, I am trapped by my fears. I will hope beyond all hope because in the end, Jesus is everything. I have no safety net and no regrets. That is brave.

I am brave because Jesus is who He says He is. And I am who He says I am.

“So what does that make us? Loved. Who are we? Christ’s beloved. We are loved when making bold proclamations bear cool waters under sunny skies. We are loved when asking sincere questions in dark cells in darker times. We are loved.” -Alicia Chole

The bravest thing I can do is believe that I am who Jesus says I am, and that’s it. No more, no less. I am a child of God, and as long as I am standing with Him, I am brave. I have hope. I am joyfully confident in the character of my God. And with that, I can be brave.

You make me brave

You make me brave

You call me out beyond the shore into the waves

You make me brave

You make me brave

No fear can hinder now the promises You make

As Your love, in wave after wave

Crashes over me, crashes over me

For You are for us

You are not against us

Champion of Heaven

You made a way for all to enter in

Something about being single

This post has been in my brain for a while. I’m writing on the one thing I hoped to never share my voice on: being single as a young adult.

Before we continue on, I do not wish to receive any comments or messages on how I should enjoy this time, it will all happen in God’s timing, or how Jesus has to be my everything. I understand all of this and am simply trying to share a different perspective. By continuing to read this post, you are agreeing to these terms and conditions.

I will be 27 in April. My passport has stamps from 8 different countries, and I will add 3 more to that this year. I have spent several years in full time ministry and done things that most people only dream of.

Snorkeling in the Maldives. Hiked to the furthest point of the Cape of Good Hope. Eaten Zambezi chicken on Zalala beach. Pulled in nets with fishermen in Sri Lanka. Seen the Milky Way stretch across the skies of Lesotho. Played soccer with orphans in Zambia. Hiked the blue ridge mountains. And I plan on adding many more things to this list.

My life has been so incredibly full with experience, and I have seen so much of the Lord’s incredible favor. I have learned so much of who God is and who I am in Him. I have done these things in the presence of others and with some of my dearest friends. Despite all this fullness, I find myself wanting more.

I’ve been able to do so much and experience so much, but I have done them alone. Yes people were there, but there is no one I share my life with. It really hit me this past summer. One night with our team we began talking about what it will be like to go home. The two people I was leading with had wives and families at home. The students had their parents. And I, I had no one. When it was all done, I was alone.

My biggest desire in life, aside from loving Jesus with everything, is to be a wife and a mom. I want so desperately to have someone to share life. I deeply desire to know the part of God’s heart that my married friends only discovered once they married. I want to have someone to experience life with. I want to be a wife and to experience the joys and trials of marriage.

I’m at the age where more of my friends are getting married and engaged. Most of them are one or the other of those. While I am so excited for them and the stages they are in, I can’t help but feel left behind. And I hate that. I wish I was just excited for them, but the older I get the harder it is not feel like I’m out the loop. I’m not bitter. I’m just being honest.

I hate talking about this because it always comes back to how I need to be satisfied with Christ alone. This is usually spoken by someone who married and got married younger than I am. Don’t get me wrong. Jesus is absolutely enough, but the human in me doesn’t understand why my greatest early desire is being withheld from me.

If I knew that I wasn’t ever going to be married, it would be easier to grasp. Hoping and praying for a partner that may never come is the hardest part. The Lord is with me either way. Married or single, my life is the Lord’s and that will not change. I think most of the people in my position would be of the same school of thought.

I’m not seeking advice or sympathy. I’m asking for understanding. When I speak of my desire to be married or the loneliness I feel, promising that my husband is out there or reminding me that I need to love Jesus more isn’t the best response. I can love Jesus with all I have and still hope for someone to do life with. If you want to be understanding, tell me that you know it’s hard or that you can’t imagine how hard it is, and leave it at that. I’m not saying this in a bitter way, but there really advice that will suddenly make it all less lonely. But you can sit with someone in a hard spot without trying to pull them out of it. Sometimes the most loving thing to do is to not try to “fix” someone.

Being a single young adult is hard. There isn’t much of a place for you anywhere, least of all in the church. My search for community has been difficult because the church has things for college students and for married couples. I don’t fall into either of those categories anymore.

Friendships are different when you’re the single friend as well. Married friends just now have more to juggle, so the deep connection time I desire is harder to come by. I am incredibly grateful for the time I get, but the scarcity does make it a bit lonely.

I got off on a bit of tangent, so I’m just going to wrap it all up.

Being a young adult (post college) and still being single is residing in this in between land where you don’t feel like you can make term plans. It’s like having a blue print for the rest of your life but realizing you only have half of it. I don’t have this idealized dream that marriage would fix everything. I’d just like to have someone to share experiences and struggles with that is committed to this life as I am.

Regardless I will always spend my life running toward Jesus. I do always run better when I have someone running with me…

This is probably the worst written post I have ever published. If I didn’t feel so strongly that I needed to, it would never see the light of day. So as you read it, I hope you heard my heart. I’m serious about those terms and conditions btw.

Half-Assing Christianity

~*Let’s get this out of the way. I am exactly 1.2% sorry for the language .*~

When I was on staff with Chi Alpha at the University of Alabama, I had the privilege to get to know so many amazing student leaders. One of them is a sophomore named Zach. He’s such a go getter, has a real servant heart, and is one of the most joyful people I have ever met. As a freshman, Zach was a little different though.

He started coming around second semester but didn’t seem to be too committed to giving everything to Jesus. After coming to services, small groups, and a couple prayer meetings, things started to change for Zach. Suddenly, at prayer meetings instead of asking for prayer for his tests, he began asking us to pray for other people and his family. Someone asked Zach what changed, his response has stuck with me. He said, “I guess it’s time I stop half-assing Christianity.”

How often do we all half-ass Christianity? Most of us would say, “Never! Jesus said he spits lukewarm out of his mouth” or something holy like that. Surely “good” Christians never give less than everything to Jesus.

But we do.

Maybe we don’t. I won’t speak for everyone. But I know I do. At least I have been.

For the past few months, and honestly probably before that, I have been holding things back from Jesus. I have been trying to play the role of someone living completely surrendered to the LORD. I was even fooling myself.

I went to church. I watched my language and read my Bible. I prayed and journaled. I talked about Jesus, was nice to my coworkers, and listened to worship music all the time. I did all the Jesus-y things. But my heart was holding things back.

After the end of my tenure with Chi Alpha, I was broken and battered. I was ready to move on. I convinced myself that I was done in ministry. I thought God was done with me, but I was also pretty done with ministry. It had hurt me, so I decided that I wouldn’t be a part of it anymore. I would still share the love of Jesus with people but only in a market place setting. I closed the door to ministry in my heart.

Luckily for me, the LORD has been gently reminding me of who I am.

I was listening to a song the other day, and there is a part of that says “Oh God here am I; send me. Use me for Your glory.” As I was singing along, I heard the Lord very gently ask “Whose glory do you really want to be used for? Mine or yours?” I was taken off guard as the conviction sank in. I repented and told the Lord I wanted to be used for His glory. I told Him all about how I wanted to be used to spend His love in athletics or whatever job He put me in.

The next line of that song goes “Oh God, here am I; send me. Pick me up and write your story.” A few days later, I was listening to that song. As I sang out those words, the Lord spoke gently again, “Whose story?” I thought I had this one, so I responded “Your story, Lord. Let me write your story in the market place. Let me write your story however you want me to.” And then I heard the words that cut my heart to the core.

” Except if that means full time ministry?” The Lord’s question was so gentle, but so powerful. I was shocked and suddenly ashamed. I had said that I had given my life to God to do what He wants, but I had placed all these stipulations on what that could look like. I want to write your story, but only if I have total control over what that looks like.

Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. – Deuteronomy 6:5

Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment.” – Matthew 22:37-38

“If you love me, you will keep my commandments.”– John 14:15

By trying to decide what my role would look like, I was no longer telling God’s story. I was writing my own. God did not call me to ministry, and then suddenly change His mind. Even if He did, who am I to close that door? Who am I to tell God that I can write His story better than He can? That exactly what I was doing when I closed my heart to full time ministry. That’s exactly what all of us are doing anytime we close doors God has not closed for us.

I cannot love the LORD with all my heart, soul, and strength and tell Him that I won’t do what He is asking me. It says ALL. That means with everything I love Him which means nothing can be off limits. Whenever I find myself closed off to an opportunity that could bring me closer to Jesus, I have to realize that I’m half-assing Christianity. And if you’re honest with yourself, many of you are too.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that everyone needs to be in full time vocational ministry, but if that’s not even an option to you, that’s a problem. Not everyone needs to move across the ocean to spread the Gospel, but if that’s not something you would be willing to do, that’s a problem. It’s about giving your life completely to Jesus, not making everyone a pastor. If your life belongs to Jesus, He calls the shots. And you? You obey.

The same day that my heart got cut by the Lord’s question, he spoke again. He said, ” You said your life was mine to do with what I wish. You wanted to be used for my glory. I took your life because you gave it to me. I will give it back if that’s what you want. But if your life is mine, then follow me. Let me lead.” I don’t want my life back. I want to follow Jesus completely surrendered.

“Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit,  teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you. And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age.”- Matthew 28:19-20

I want to write His story, and He gets to decide what that looks like. So wherever He wants me, that’s where I want to be.

If that’s in Sri Lanka, here am I; send me. If that’s in Canada, here am I; send me. If it’s in Syria, here am I; send me. If it’s North Carolina, here am I; send me. If it’s in Laos,here am I; send me. If it’s in North Little Rock,here am I; send me.

LORD, if You gave Your life to love them, so will I. No matter what that looks like because in the words of Zach,”I guess it’s time I stop half-assing Christianity.”

 

Shaken

The one word I would use to describe myself in 2017 is one that no missionary, no Christ follower would want to describe themselves. The Word tells us that we cannot be the way I was in 2017 and see the work of God in our lives. A few days ago, I finally felt a shift in me. Praise the Lord! Because in 2017, I was shaken.

For as long as I can remember I have gone for a run on New Year’s Day. Seriously, I probably started running on New Year’s Day when I was 12 or 13. I don’t know why I started running on New Year’s, but I have done it faithfully for years. Even when I’ve worked overnights, when I have worked a conference for 4 days, when the weather has been horrible, that New Year’s run has been somewhat unshakable in my life. I began 2017 the same way I began most years, with a run. I finished it feeling good, victorious, unshakable. That’s the last time I would feel that for a while.

A few days later the World Mission Summit started. It’s this amazing student missions conference where thousands of college students come and many answer the call to missions. We had several students going, and I was driving a few of them up early. I had to be there early because I was helping with one of the experiences. This is where I began to first be shaken.

I was helping with an experience, trying to connect with the missionaries we would be going to later, connecting with some students from Arkansas, and making sure our Alabama students were being taken care of. On top of all this, the Lord had really impressed on me to minister to a girl, not just once, but throughout the conference. I have never felt tired like that. The Lord used me, and everything went pretty smoothly. I should have been fine, but I felt so guilty about being everywhere all the time.

I don’t think that feeling ever left. I chose to listen to a lie of the enemy that I was not doing enough, that giving everything I had to Jesus was not enough. I fell into a loop of believing that I had to earn grace and feeling incredibly guilty that I couldn’t.

I was shaken. My focus shifted from the unshakable glory of God to the unstable depravity of myself. Being aware of your depravity is good thing. Being consumed by it is not. I didn’t even notice that I had taken my eyes off Jesus. All I knew is that I was sinking, and my best efforts were making me sink faster.

In October, I sank. The waves of life overtook me, and I let them choke the life after me. In November, I died. Not physically, but mentally and emotionally, I died. I spent about a month reflecting on all that had happened. I wrestled hard with the Lord for that month. I had subconsciously decided that I wasn’t sure living for Jesus was what o wanted to do anymore. I had passed the point of being hurt; I had lost my life.

In December, I went to church because that’s what you’re supposed to do. Angry with the Lord but still wanting to maintain appearances of being okay, I walked into the sanctuary. For whatever reason, that day they did an all worship service. I almost left, but I didn’t.

After the first couple of songs, my heart soften toward the Lord again. The next song began, and I sang the words, feeling something well up in my heart. And then we sang the words “King Jesus, you’re the name we’re lifting high.” As I sang these words, I felt pierced through my heart. I began apologizing to Jesus profusely.

The Lord had oh so gently shown me that at some point I had decided that at some point it became all about me and not the one I was proclaiming to live for. He reminded me that by my own proclamation I had made my life all about Him, and that was not how I had been living. Something amazing happened. For the first time I can remember, I began to cry in worship. As the tears began to fall, I felt life being breathed back into me. In December, I experienced resurrection.

In the past few weeks, I’ve begun falling in love with Jesus again. I read through the book of Hebrews this past week. It talks about how God is removing the things that are shaken and replacing them with things that are unshakeable. That’s what He is doing in my life right now.

The unshakable things are being restored. The things that are shaken are gone. His kingdom is unshakable. I am part of that kingdom, so this year I will not be shaken.

My foundation is secure. As long as Jesus is on the throne, I will not be shaken. I have stepped off of the throne of my heart. So I will offer my worship to Him because our God is a consuming fire!

I will not forget that the kingdom of God is unshakable, and that I am a part of that kingdom. No longer will I be defined by wavering and shaking. I will not be shaken.

Unemployed and Homeless

“This isn’t what I signed up for.” Those are the words that rolled around in my head for several weeks. A few weeks ago, I was a campus missionary at the University of Alabama, and now I’m here.

Unemployed and homeless.

When I surrendered my life to missions, this is not what I imagined it looking like. I never imagined there would be a day when it would all end. I thought I would be a part of Alabama Chi Alpha until I died because everything I have been taught says that a call into missions is a one way ticket. There is no coming back from the mission field. You only left the field if you didn’t love Jesus anymore or you couldn’t get the support to stay.

But I still love Jesus, and support raising was tough but doable. So what happened? Why am I homeless and unemployed?

My life came to a screeching halt on Tuesday October 10th at about 11 am. I can still feel the words pricking the hairs in my inner ear to register the sounds. “Just so we are clear. As of this moment, you are no longer on staff and released from any commitment.” No, we weren’t clear. This wasn’t what I thought was happening. This wasn’t the plan. We were just talking about my health, and now I’m fired.

My brain couldn’t handle it, so it tried to weave words to make it an incredibly positive thing. After all, my life may be shattering before my eyes, but I still had to save face. I needed to take a step back. I needed to get healthy. I knew these things, so over the next few hours, I delivered speech after speech about how this was a good thing, about how I needed to get healthy, about how good my time in Alabama had been. I said all these things and looked into the eyes of these girls that I love more than life itself that this was going to be the best for all of us. And every time I said it, a piece of my heart died.

The next morning I drove back to Arkansas to get some space and process what happened. I stayed with some friends for what was originally going to be a few days but ended up being a month. During this month, I processed and processed. I spent time with the Lord trying to figure out where everything went wrong. Over and over again, I came to the realization that my entire life had been wrapped up in Chi Alpha, and that all of that was now burned to the ground. I knew I had to start a new life.

I decided to go back to Alabama. I wanted to reconcile some relationships. I wanted to get a job and learn how to do life with Jesus outside of full time ministry. I wanted to continue the friendships I had there and get a chance to love on those students as a friend not a staff member. So I went back on a Wednesday. I said my goodbyes in Conway not sure when I would be back. I wanted to see what else God had for me in Alabama.

Nothing. Not a thing. After several smaller events and one important conversation, it had been revealed that reconciliation wasn’t going to happen right now. I wasn’t going to be able to continue those relationships that I had. Nothing was left for me in Alabama. I felt release from the Lord. It was time to move on.I sold everything I owned that wouldn’t fit in my car. Within a week of my departure from Conway, I was back again. Nothing had gone as I had planned or imagined.Here I am. I’m 26 years old having just been released from a career in ministry with no place to live and no way to make money. How did I get here?Unemployed and homeless after surrendering to missions? That’s not the tag line they sell you. But it can happen.

And if it does, it will be the best thing for you.

It will teach you that only God can be your provider and that Jesus really is all you need. If you’re anything like me, you like schedules and control. You like to earn your grace, but when everything is taken from you, you can’t even pretend that you have anything to do with the grace God is giving you. Every good and perfect thing is from God and God alone. This time has really reminded me that what Jesus gives me is only by His goodness and not by my own merits.

This experience has also taught me how incredibly loved I am. When everything fell I ran to Jesus, but I also ran to my tribe. There are people I didn’t even know were in my tribe until this all happened. There have been countless people who have taken a stand and chosen to fight for me. My biggest enemy has been the lies in my head saying how wretched I must be to be rejected by God. This tribe has chosen to take up arms and fight for my freedom. They have prayed for me. They have bought me coffee. They have given me a place to stay, a place to be safe. They have loved me like Jesus does.

Jesus knows what He is doing even when it looks like chaos to us. I need this season. This season that I would wish on no one is the exact one I need to be in. Sometimes the worst case scenario turns out to be the one that will bring us closest to Jesus. May I always chose the path that leads me to Jesus even if it hurts like hell to get there.

I’m no longer unemployed. As I write this, I am hours away from starting my first shift with an incredible company that values the Gospel and discipleship. I am technically still homeless as I have no permanent address, but I have a couple house keys and garage code that comes with an open invite to stay as long as I need. I am fully provided for.

Somehow the Lord knew that couches in friends’ homes would suit me better than a one bedroom apartment to myself. Somehow He knew just the perfect amount of time to keep me without a job, so that I couldn’t rush the healing process.

Somehow He knew that finding myself unemployed, homeless, and needing a restart would be the perfect season for me right now. I can trust Him when I can’t see anything because even after all this time, He won’t lead me where He won’t go.

Thank you Jesus for not giving me what I signed up for.

-Taylor

P.S. There will be more updates on this process and some unpacking of the whys in posts to come. Just enjoy the process with me.